


moments of extreme thought and attempts at hacking the ultimate buttfuck of paradox space

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave breaks Karkat's favorite cup.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 25
Kudos: 178





	moments of extreme thought and attempts at hacking the ultimate buttfuck of paradox space

DAVE: yo watch out incoming  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK  
DAVE: shove over man  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: GO AROUND!  
DAVE: fine then just hold still  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: its cool  
KARKAT: NO!!  
DAVE: chill out  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT DAVE!  
KARKAT: THERE’S NO FUCKING ROOM!  
DAVE: naw its fine  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: BE CAREFUL YOU ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: FUCKING-  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: oh fuck  
KARKAT: DAVE!!!!!  
DAVE: did i just break something  
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME!  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: was that  
KARKAT: MY FAVORITE CUP?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: YEAH IT FUCKING WAS!!  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: you dont have like  
DAVE: another favorite  
DAVE: do you  
KARKAT: WHAT THE *FUCK* KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T HAVE MULTIPLE FAVORITES OF SOMETHING!  
KARKAT: WELCOME TO THE WIDE WORLD OF SUPERLATIVES, DAVE!  
KARKAT: BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU HAVE *NO* FUCKING IDEA WHAT GOES ON HERE!!!  
DAVE: fuck karkat im really sorry  
KARKAT: AUUUUUGHH!!!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE.  
DAVE: whoa what  
DAVE: really  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: JUST FIX IT.  
DAVE: yeah ok i guess i could make some glue or something  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: THAT’S SO FUCKING STUPID.  
DAVE: well then what the fuck do you mean fix it karkat you got a better idea  
KARKAT: YEAH OF COURSE!  
KARKAT: JUST DO THE THING!  
DAVE: the thing  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: what the fuck karkat what thing  
KARKAT: THE TIMEY THING.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: COME ON!  
KARKAT: JUST GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP YOURSELF FROM BREAKING IT!  
KARKAT: IT’LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.  
DAVE: what the fuck is that how you think that works  
KARKAT: OK FINE ASSHOLE, MAYBE IT’LL TAKE LONGER FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER.  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’LL ACTUALLY TAKE YOU LIKE TEN SECONDS.  
KARKAT: OOOH!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE ALWAYS SO BUSY. HOW ARE YOU POSSIBLY GONNA FIT THIS INTO YOUR JAM PACKED SCHEDULE??  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: COME ON WHAT’S THE HOLD UP?  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T ACTUALLY A BIG DEAL.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST NOT AS BIG A DEAL AS  
KARKAT: OH I DONNO  
KARKAT: FUCKING SMASHING MY FAVORITE CUP THAT I BROUGHT ALL THE WAY FROM HOME THAT MY FUCKING LUSUS GOT ME AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO FUCKING REMEMBER HIM BY!  
DAVE: oh no  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: karkat is that true  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: is that really that cups deal  
DAVE: like it seriously has that rich fucking sentimental backstory  
KARKAT: YEAH OF FUCKING COURSE IT’S TRUE!  
DAVE: you have got to be fucking kidding me  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: I REALLY DON’T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!  
KARKAT: SURE I’M INCREDIBLY PISSED THAT YOUR DISGUSTING LANKY LONGNECKBEAST ELBOWS SET THEIR SIGHTS ON MY MOST PRIZED FUCKING POSSESSION LIKE SOME KIND OF SENTIMENT SEEKING MISSILE  
DAVE: sigh  
KARKAT: BUT IT’S FINE!  
KARKAT: YOU CAN JUST GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP YOURSELF FROM BEING SUCH A BAG OF DICKS.  
KARKAT: FUCK, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DON’T TO THIS MORE OFTEN!  
KARKAT: YOU COULD BE SAVING US BOTH A LOT OF DICK BAGS, DAVE.  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST KNOCK A WHOLE BUNCH OUT IN ONE GO!  
KARKAT: OOH, I COULD MAKE YOU A LIST!  
DAVE: ugg  
KARKAT: WHAT? THIS IS GREAT!!  
KARKAT: HOLD ON, DON’T GO YET!  
KARKAT: LET ME WRITE SOME SHIT DOWN.  
DAVE: karkat  
KARKAT: ...OK WELL OBVIOUSLY THERE’S THE TIME YOU PUT MY THRESH PRINCE DVD FACE UP ON THE COFFEE TABLE.  
DAVE: dude  
KARKAT: THAT SHIT’S GOING FIRST.  
DAVE: dude stop  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: thats not how that fucking works ok  
KARKAT: WHAT ISN’T?  
DAVE: i cant just go back and stop myself from doing that  
DAVE: it already happened  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: WERE YOU SERIOUSLY YOUR TEAM’S TIME GUY?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOUR EFFECTIVENESS IN THE GAME IS SUDDENLY MAKING *SO* MUCH MORE SENSE TO ME.  
DAVE: ugg  
DAVE: you so dont get it  
KARKAT: WHAT’S THERE TO FUCKING GET??  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST TIME TRAVEL!  
DAVE: wow  
KARKAT: FUCKING WHAT??  
DAVE: man nothing  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok so look  
DAVE: its simple  
DAVE: or at least as simple as actual literal goddamn time travels ever gonna be  
DAVE: which it turns out is actually pretty fucking simple  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: were in the alpha timeline  
DAVE: supposedly  
KARKAT: YEAH  
DAVE: yeah that means that timelines locked in  
DAVE: any and all time travel shit that went down in the past?  
DAVE: all that shit has to have gone down already  
DAVE: if we didnt see me do something in the past  
DAVE: like if we dont remember a me whos slightly taller  
DAVE: or at least in a different getup like in a slick as all hell polka dot suit to help pinpoint advancement in chronology with an easily clocked visual cue  
DAVE: if polka dot dave or pdd as were gonna call him in shorthand from here on out on our big mental absolutely ridiculous jumble of an excel spreadsheet didnt pop into existence on that fateful day and stick a coaster under your precious will smith dvd  
DAVE: well then that means i didnt fucking do it in the future  
DAVE: ok  
KARKAT: ...HUH  
DAVE: and i know exactly what youre thinkin right now the smokes comin outta your horns like it does in moments of extreme thought and attempts at hacking the ultimate buttfuck of paradox space i can see it its already in progress  
DAVE: you wanna know what would happen if present me right now decided to just say fuck it and take a quick lil jaunt as future polka dave anyway and save that poor dvd thats doomed to be very minorly supposedly scratched in a way that i definitely cant even see and has never once actually affected its ability to deliver troll will smiths fresh and funky life lessons without fail  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKER, *I* CAN TELL!  
DAVE: ug whatever you wanna know what goes down if i just go back like theres nothin actually physically stopping me from doing that and also swinging by and killing hitler real quick while im at it i mean why not right  
DAVE: well ok i guess i cant actually do the hitler thing thats on earth a place were not at and cant physically be at ever again im not a space dude im a time dude  
DAVE: and yeah ok wise guy i know were also physically traveling through space or paradox space or anti space or whatever the fuck right now  
DAVE: so if i go back only in time doesnt it make sense that id appear right exactly in this spot where the meteor isnt yet and have to kill a few hours til it finally shows up on its own and then oh wow im back in the present except ive slowly gone insane slash maybe just exploded in the inky blackness of space in the meantime  
DAVE: and while were at it hows time travel possible at all since any celestial body youre on is gonna be just rocketing through space at a bazillion miles an hour theres only one split second any particular time and place actually align  
KARKAT: YEAH ACTUALLY...  
DAVE: well dont worry i got a very good explanation for all of that  
DAVE: and that is that apparently it doesnt fucking matter  
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT.  
DAVE: yeah it just self corrects or some shit i donno  
DAVE: but the point is i do actually gotta start in the same room or town or whatever so sorry karkat i cant kill hitler for you no matter how many times you ask  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHO HITLER IS.  
DAVE: huh really  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: but you got will smith  
KARKAT: OF COURSE WE HAVE WILL SMITH!  
DAVE: ok whatever that doesnt matter either  
DAVE: the point is its actually impossible times two because while i could physically totally go back in time to that fateful day when we were sitting right here and i committed the ultimate sin of bein a gentleman and switching dvds  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING PUT IT SHINY SIDE DOWN!!!  
DAVE: yeah well if i do go back in time and give that very key piece of information to my past self to spare us all this heartache  
DAVE: well then whats gonna happen is were gonna get a split  
KARKAT: A SPLIT  
DAVE: yeah a timeline split  
DAVE: theres gonna be the alpha timeline where your dvd got “ruined” and your cup got broken  
DAVE: and two stupid pointless unclosed loop timelines where they didnt  
DAVE: and that shit is the kinda shit we dont want  
DAVE: that shit is how the dead daves start piling up  
KARKAT: OH...  
DAVE: and i know ive said some kinda flippant shit about dead daves in the past  
DAVE: about them not being a big deal  
DAVE: but you know what now that ive gone a little while without seein any ive actually gotten real cozy with the idea  
DAVE: the idea of not constantly running into dead mes  
DAVE: ive decided that idea suits me just fine  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: while the dvd thing is a whole mess of bullshit  
KARKAT: !!!  
DAVE: i am actually really really sorry about your cup  
DAVE: but i just...  
DAVE: i dont think i can do that for you ok im really sorry  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT  
KARKAT: THAT  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK DAVE  
KARKAT: I’M NOT GONNA ASK YOU TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF-  
DAVE: one version of myself  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK EVER!  
KARKAT: JESUS FUCK!  
KARKAT: DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I’D ASK THAT OF YOU??  
DAVE: naw i guess not  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: if its any consolation  
DAVE: or if it like sweetens the pot or anything  
DAVE: the you that actually got his cup back would prolly also wind up in a dead timeline and fucking waste away and die too  
DAVE: so...  
KARKAT: OH  
DAVE: yeah...  
DAVE: prolly for the best  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: IT’S OK DAVE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN I GET IT.  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE.  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST A CUP.  
DAVE: yeah but its your fucking dead dads cup holy shit  
DAVE: ug  
DAVE: got this piece of shit super power i cant even do anything useful with it  
DAVE: cant even fix a fucking cup  
DAVE: cant even fix a dvd thats not broken  
DAVE: what the fuck kinda bullshit power is time travel  
KARKAT: DAVE!  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS!  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE!  
DAVE: yeah i mean i guess its gonna have to be  
DAVE: unless...  
KARKAT: UNLESS??  
KARKAT: FUCKING UNLESS WHAT?  
DAVE: nothing  
DAVE: dont worry about it  
KARKAT: DAVE, NO!  
KARKAT: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TRY TO GO BACK IN TIME AND FIX THIS!  
KARKAT: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!  
KARKAT: OK??  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT!  
KARKAT: YOU HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: yeah ok  
DAVE: im just  
DAVE: im just gonna go  
KARKAT: NOT TO THE FUCKING PAST!!  
DAVE: no jesus karkat not to the fucking past  
DAVE: if i went to the fucking past you wouldnt even know  
DAVE: i could just come right back to this exact second  
DAVE: i could literally time it on one of your blinks ok  
DAVE: i dont actually have to like leave the room or anything  
KARKAT: BUT YOU’RE NOT GONNA DO THAT!  
KARKAT: RIGHT??  
DAVE: yeah man im not gonna do that  
DAVE: im just gonna go to the bathroom  
DAVE: so i can piss in the present  
DAVE: am i allowed to do that  
KARKAT: YES DAVE.  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: YOU CAN PISS IN THE PRESENT.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: im gonna go do that then  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: i really am sorry about your cup  
KARKAT: IT’S OK DAVE.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST A CUP.  
DAVE: ...yeah  


\----  


KARKAT: HEY.  
DAVE: sup  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: SO I FEEL KIND OF STUPID SHOWING YOU THIS  
KARKAT: SINCE IT’S ACTUALLY *MY* CUP.  
KARKAT: BUT  
KARKAT: I ALCHEMIZED SOME GLUE  
KARKAT: AND  
KARKAT: I THINK I FIXED IT.  
DAVE: hahahaha  
KARKAT: WHAT’S SO FUNNY?  
DAVE: nothing just  
DAVE: i see what you mean  
DAVE: like i probably shoulda been the one who took the cup and worked long into the night to fix it huh  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE.  
DAVE: like just for the sake of symmetry  
KARKAT: HEH  
DAVE: for narrative cohesion  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: fuck im sorry  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE!  
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!  
KARKAT: IT’S FIXED!  
KARKAT: LOOK!  
DAVE: man does that thing even hold liquid anymore  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW.  
DAVE: fuck  
KARKAT: I HAVEN’T TRIED. MAYBE IT DOES!  
KARKAT: BUT IF IT DOESN’T IT’S FINE!  
KARKAT: I’LL JUST LIKE  
KARKAT: KEEP PENS IN IT.  
KARKAT: IT DOESN'T MATTER. REALLY!  
DAVE: no look karkat actually  
DAVE: i thought about it and  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT??  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TIME TRAVEL!  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY!  
KARKAT: IT MAKES NO SENSE!  
DAVE: no shut up  
DAVE: calm down  
DAVE: im not goin anywhere  
DAVE: just gimme  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: its fine im not gonna go fuckin zipping off into the past or anything i promise  
DAVE: just lemme see the cup  
KARKAT: ...OK  
DAVE: yeah lemme just  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ayy  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK???  
DAVE: yep bingo  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?  
DAVE: i moved the cup through time  
DAVE: to back before it broke  
DAVE: i used to do it with my sword a lot  
KARKAT: WHOA.  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yep  
DAVE: so its not really time travel like it doesnt have anything to do with the alpha timeline  
DAVE: its still flowing along the current same as the rest of us  
DAVE: just its atoms got like  
DAVE: un entropied or whatever  
KARKAT: HUH  
KARKAT: AND THIS DOESN’T HAVE ANY WEIRD FUCKING SIDE EFFECTS?  
DAVE: literally none that i know of  
KARKAT: OK...  
DAVE: i mean ok theres one  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT WHAT  
DAVE: no its fine its nothing its barely even a thing  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?  
DAVE: no its cool its just i moved its atoms back along its timeline  
DAVE: like as far as i could  
DAVE: you know for maximum cupness  
DAVE: so this thing is exactly like it was when it got made  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: fifteen and a half years ago  
KARKAT: MY LUSUS GOT ME THIS FOUR SWEEPS AGO...  
DAVE: well then it had a past life i guess  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN HE MUST HAVE JUST FOUND IT SOMEWHERE.  
KARKAT: HE DIDN'T EXACTLY BUY IT AT A STORE.  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: yeah so the thing is im pretty sure after fifteen and a half years it might  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: run out its lifespan  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: break again  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: but thats cool ill just send it on back again then  
DAVE: set an alarm on my phone so 28 year old me knows whats up  
DAVE: hook up 28 year old you with 15 more years of cup  
KARKAT: OH...  
DAVE: those guys are in charge of 43 year old us's cup biz and so on  
DAVE: but i trust them they prolly got like beards and mortgages and shit theyre prolly all hells of responsible they can handle it  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: dude whats up are you ok  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: YEAH  
DAVE: you sure  
KARKAT: YEAH I’M  
KARKAT: I’M FINE, DAVE.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: FOR DOING THIS.  
DAVE: yeah man of course  


**Author's Note:**

> The exact correlation between physical entropy and memory is shaky. But worse comes to worst we can take comfort in the knowledge that [Karkat absolutely _loves_ 50 First Dates.](https://www.homestuck.com/story/1998)


End file.
